Getting Big

I have always had a fear of being big. In grade school I was embarrassed at being taller for my age. Even now, around short, petite women I feel awkwardly oversized standing next to them. When I visited my relatives in China as a teenager, I remember my cousin and her friend commenting in the local dialect about me, “Gui da ka!”  – What big feet! The comment was not attached to any value judgment, but the way they said it made me feel freakish, out of place, and ashamed because my feet (and stature in general) were bigger than most tiny Chinese girls’.

What is it about big-ness that has acquired such a negative connotation for me? With other things, big can be good – big shady trees to sit under, big juicy peaches to savor, big plush beds to stretch out in. But when it comes to my body, somehow I have learned that big is bad. Small is good. Small is cute, pretty, graceful, even virtuous. Big is…well…ungainly, awkward, too much, not good.

I think this has something to do with being a woman. With men and boys, it’s good to be big. They get admiring looks and comments about their broad shoulders, tall stature, and large muscles. Big-ness is positively linked to their manhood. But overly-tall women, large-boned women, or thick women usually aren’t admired. Instead they are seen as oddities or viewed with distaste. Other times, their size is admired distortedly. Women’s big bottoms and big breasts become sexual objects detached from the people themselves.

Lily Myers’ viral slam poem “Shrinking Women” gets to the heart of this difference. “Women in my family have been shrinking for decades,” she says, “making space for the entrance of men into their lives.” Comparing herself with her brother, she describes, “I have been taught accommodation, I have been taught to filter…you have been taught to grow out, I have been taught to grow in…you learned from our father how to emit, how to produce, how to roll each thought off your tongue with confidence…I learned to absorb, I took lessons from my mother in creating space around myself… deciding how many bites is too many, how much space she deserves to occupy…”

That’s it. Women are afraid of being too emotional, too loud, too crazy, too opinionated, too much. This translates into a physical aversion – a fear of taking up space, a fear of getting big. Small and thin, quiet and submissive, becomes our ideal, and women learn to hold themselves in, deny their appetites and their voices, and shrink.

Pregnant_woman2Pregnancy has been freeing for me in this respect. While some women worry about their disappearing waistlines and expanding torsos, I have found it fun and exciting to watch my belly grow and track the numbers rising on the scale. Recently, I surpassed my husband in weight and told him gleefully, “Now who carries the most weight in this family?”

Part of my enjoyment of the physical changes I’m undergoing as a plump pregnant woman is due to the fact that it is probably the first time in my life I feel allowed to get big. Big is now good. Big belly means Baby is growing well. Big breasts mean my body’s getting ready to nourish my child. Big appetite means Baby is hungry for nutrients. So I’m more than willing to get big. I revel in getting big.

Ina May Gaskin[1] tells the story of a woman who was told by her midwife that she would get huge to have the baby. During her labor, this woman repeated “I’m gonna get huge, I’m gonna get huge” as a mantra to herself and resultingly pushed out a large baby with no trouble, tears, or unnecessary medical interventions. I love the fact that getting big in this story is a positive thing associated with empowerment, healthy womanhood, and the amazing God-given ability to bring life into the world.

Of course, I’ve had my share of worrying that I’ll keep my built-up pregnancy fat after the baby’s born, and that I’ll never get my old body back (I’m told I never will anyways, no matter how hard I try). After the birth, I’m sure I’ll be more cautious again about how much I eat and how much weight I gain or lose. But pregnancy has definitely helped me overcome my fear of getting big. I’ve learned to associate big women’s bodies with vitality and hospitality, not just with fear and shame. I hope this lesson is one I’ll carry with me as I continue to “fill-out” into the woman God has made me to be.

 

 


[1] Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth (2003, Bantam Books).

Advertisements

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. mmstroet
    Nov 10, 2013 @ 16:37:14

    Oddly enough, I think being in China has been helping me to trust God’s word more where it says I am a wonderful creation. There’s something about the way size/weight are not off the table for conversation and remarks that has been so refreshing. Perhaps the fact that I am a freak in so many ways beyond my size has made it ok for me to embrace my identity as a giantess.

    I also love the remarks you make here about size and gender. Another great thing about switching cultures was that it gave me the chance to escape from so many messages that, even though I was fully conscious were both wrong and harmful, managed to control my actions. For a body like mine, Chinese ideas of beauty are beyond absurd. In fact, they’re impossible. And I’m so very far from American stares and other women and all those other tiny influences that I am left free to conform to the standard of what God’s word says about my body. What a freedom!

    I have a lot of photos from my younger ages that my grandma sent me and my students sometimes look at them. There’s one of me as a teenager, and the students almost always comment about how thin and beautiful I was. I can remember days when I’d longingly gaze at old photos of myself and fantasize about looking that way again. But I noticed the other day that as I look at those photos now, I feel no desire to go back. I was miserable as a teenager. My life was a haze of fear and appeasement of others. No, I’ll keep my aged and battle-scarred and fat-padded body, thanks. The maturity I have now exists not just in my mind, but in every cell of my body. Paul’s words “our outer selves are wasting away while our inner selves are being renewed day by day” seems to me not to express a duality of mind and body, but a deep connection. I cannot have inner growth and renewal without outer decay.

    I think this freedom I feel is similar to yours. I haven’t commented for a while, but I still love every post!

    On Sun, Nov 10, 2013 at 11:52 PM, body & being

    Reply

    • Liuan
      Nov 10, 2013 @ 22:23:43

      Morielle, that’s great that being in China has made body comparisons absurd and unnecessary, and that you’re embracing your “giantess” identity. Love it! Hope we’ll get to meet in person sometime in the future – we’ll have a lot to talk about!

      Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: